After Killing Mario, Nintendo Promises It Will Kill Again

At the time of writing, Nintendo’s public execution of famed plumber and hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario Mario is due to happen today. By the time you read this he might already be dead. As the world mourns and wonders how it will move forward without everyone’s favorite Jump Man, Nintendo isn’t finished.

In an exclusive statement to us, Nintendo has confirmed that it’s blood lust will not end with Mario if their demands are not met. Their statement is as follows:

“We know what it’s like to lose. To feel so desperately that you’re right, yet to fail nonetheless. It’s frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. Your precious plumber is dead. If you do not all purchase Skyward Sword HD for full price, we will kill more of your heroes. In fact any more insubordination towards our full price ports will be met with the swift death of another of your beloved heroes. After Skyward Sword HD, we plan on releasing Wii Music Deluxe Pro 1-2 Switch Edition which will be sold for $70USD and will feature no improvements over the original. If this does not become the highest selling Nintendo game of all time, we will kill Reggie. These are our demands.”

Unfortunately for gamers, nothing can be done to stop Nintendo from killing again if they choose. The United Gaming Nations are fractured from the console wars. PlayStation is dealing with a hostile situation of it’s own as the government is destroying parts of it’s history and Xbox refuses to get involved in other’s affairs while it tries to make sure Halo Infinite isn’t delayed again.

Meanwhile, Nintendo’s heroes are on edge. The Mario family, Luigi, Peach and Toad and are still grieving and refused to comment. Link, hero of Hyrule had this to say, “I just hope that if I’m the next one Nintendo kills, I get some smooching time before I die.” Samus Aran told us that she’s glad Nintendo doesn’t know she still exists. Kirby did give us a quote but we can’t use it as he was stress eating and ate our editor which means he’s now our editor and quoting him would be a conflict of interest. Donkey Kong stated his regret to us, “I didn’t have to be here for this, I had the opportunity to move over to movies. They offered me the role of King Kong in but I turned it down to stay with my friends and now I might die.”

Yes, no one in the Nintendo universe feels safe, not even it’s villains. Bowser admits there’s nothing he could do if Nintendo chose to kill him, “I know I’m big and powerful but I mean, I could never even beat a plumber who’s one tenth my size, I’m toast” he said asking to remain anonymous. Ganon told us that he is going to flee the Nintendo Universe entirely. “I ain’t sticking around, waiting to see if it’s me Nintendo kills next, I’m going to the only place they can’t get me, space.”

It seems that no one can stop Nintendo from killing off whoever it chooses should the public not cave in to their demands. They’re just too powerful. Everyone in Nintendo’s universe is preparing for the worst, while in the real world people are reacting to Mario’s execution in a variety of ways. Some are honoring him with memorials, while others are trying to make a profit off of his merchandise. No one knows what can be done and everyone is worried for the future. Perhaps it was Captain Falcon who summed up everyone’s feelings best, “FALCON SCARED!”

Published by Matt Fresh

30% Water, 70% James Bond movies. Matt is a writer, gamer, film enthusiast & silly person. The winner of various fictitious awards, he's fluent in English & pop culture references.

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