Console War Soldiers Come Home and Finally Get to Play Video Games.

After a long and arduous conflict, soldiers of the console wars are finally coming home. Brave warriors on both sides of the conflict, the Xbox fighters known as Xbots and the PlayStation fighters known as Ponies, will no longer have to risk their lives anymore in the name of their plastic game machine. President of Gaming Geoff Keighley signed the executive order to end the conflict and send all the troops back home.

It’s a cathartic experience for these brave soldiers to finally make the trip the back home. While we were all enjoying our games, they were off in battle, risking their lives in the name of whichever console they pledged blind loyalty to. Even though these console warriors don’t have any loved ones to come home to, it’s still an emotional time for them. The horrors they saw and experienced will stay with them for the rest of their lives but they finally get to live a normal life.

Now that they no longer have to risk their lives for a corporation that doesn’t know they exist, the console warriors can finally do what they’ve never been able to do while fighting. They finally get to play video games. It’s something that the rest of us gamers take for granted. We get to play and enjoy games whenever we like but this was not the reality for our soldiers. There isn’t any time to play video games when your in a constant battle to to the death over which video game console is better. Us civilians can play a game in our free time but for a console war soldier, there is no free time. When you’ve dedicated your life to defending the honor of your plastic box, you can’t take a break to play a game, lest a single mention of the opposing console on Twitter goes without reply.

The duty that these brave men had, far outweighed their desire to game. But no longer do they have to spend their time writing twenty tweet threads arguing why Metacritic is useless when a console exclusive they like gets a score that’s 1 percent lower than the opposing side. No longer do they have to spend hours a day using a thesaurus to try and appear like they know more than industry professionals. No longer do they have to watch livestreams of their opponents events so they can spam the chat with claims that their side is better. No longer do they have to cry themselves to sleep every night because they’re parents didn’t love them enough and now all of their self worth is in the video game console they chose to buy. Now they can finally come back home and do what they’ve always wanted and what we’ve taken for granted. They can finally play an actually video game.

It is a time of celebration and for the first time in decades, a time of peace. We finally get to coexist as the fighting stops, free from the fear of innocents getting ratio’d in the crossfire. The troops are home and they’re finally being real gamers. As they all touched down, back home for the first time in years, they were asked what they were going to play. The Xbots and the Ponies, in perfect peaceful harmony, all answered unanimously. The Xbox warriors and PlayStation warriors are back home, they’re done fighting and they’re going finally play video games, and they’re going to play them together. On the Nintendo Switch.

Published by Matt Fresh

30% Water, 70% James Bond movies. Matt is a writer, gamer, film enthusiast & silly person. The winner of various fictitious awards, he's fluent in English & pop culture references.

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